07.13.05
body image
I saw this post whilst perusing a blog that I really thought I might like. Now, I’m not giving up all hope for ‘WorldMag’ bloggers, even this one, but this post just struck me as, well, wrong. Here it is in its entirity:
Guys, anyone got any good ways to tell the woman in your life to lose weight but do it gently so that she doesn’t freak and get some kind of eating disorder or do it without calling her “fat”?
My response, which I’ll post here is admittedly quite raw. I’m happy to hear any of your thoughts on my response. I’d love to be corrected as to any ignorant ideas I had as I’m certainly no expert when it comes to women’s body image…but I just couldn’t let that post go by without commenting.
Here’s my response:
I think the first step is for the man in question to ponder (for a REALLY long time) and question his own attitudes toward the body and attractiveness. I dare say that MOST of the time men should, ahem, keep their friggin’ traps closed, because thier spouse or spice’s WEIGHT isn’t the problem…often it’s the man’s warped sense of what ‘beauty’ is.
I think, then, that men also need to consider another thing, with reference to your comment about the woman ‘freaking out and getting some kind of eating disorder.’ In the present culture, men have been privileged to set the stardards of beauty in most cases. While it doesn’t seem particularly fruitful to play the blame game with regard to eating disorders, we must remember that men are, at least in part, responsible for setting up an impossible target that most women can never and never should seek to attain. In light of this, I find your comment about ‘freaking out and getting an eating disorder’ a bit callous, in that you imply that it’s an illogical thing to do. Truth is, it’s not–sad, harmful, yes, but not illogical.
As someone mentioned before, WEIGHT shouldn’t be the focus of any suggestion. HEALTH should. And, if you’re not willing to take the plunge and admit that you could use the healthy activity too, you should, once again, keep your friggin’ trap shut.
If a person eats right and gets an appropriate amount of exercize in a day, they should be healthy. So, take walks together, jog together in the park, play frisbee, have more sex, eat right, and above all, do it all together. Put health (spiritual, physical, intellectual) at the forefront of your relationship.
But, if your suggestion is that you’re looking for a way to kindly ‘tell the woman you love that she could stand to drop few pounds,’ frankly, you should be questioning yourself, not her.
Wounded Healer said,
July 13, 2005 at 11:10 am
I agree with you on this one. Simple answers are generally the best. My estimation has been that the cultural pressure is a real contributor - skinny girls, etc. Health IS the issue, NOT weight. I am challenged to love my wife as Christ loves the church - there is no better way to crush her spirit than to bring comparisions into the relationship. Women already compare themselves to others. Suggesting that she be “better, thinner, bigger breasted, smaller nosed, etc” can never benefit her heart and mind.
Telling her that she is your bride and loving her unconditionally is the way - no matter how “hard” it is. I have NEVER seen a woman respond positively and productively to the “gentle” hint to lose weight. You may get a thinner wife, but you will have created a fear of “being acceptable”. Trust and respect will be eroded. I could be wrong - but I don’t think so. Maybe we need a woman’s perspective here.
Lara said,
July 13, 2005 at 1:05 pm
I can’t even really post my “woman’s perspective” because I’m so fucking infuriated by that post and the comments following.
Hey, I KNOW I’m fat by the world’s standards and I happen to like my body and my curves the way they are. If you (the men of the world.. i.e. Anthony) don’t like it… well, tough shit. But truth be told, there are other men out there that *do* appreciate every inch of a woman they love and understand that the beauty of a woman is not measured in numbers or sizes. So, go ahead…. tell her she’s fat, but don’t expect her not to look right back at you and tell you the things that she finds annoying about you. I guarantee there are some there, and once you start the precedence of picking at each other about those things, the relationship is going to go downhill hard and fast.
fuzzit said,
July 13, 2005 at 1:22 pm
Thankyou for your response to that asinine blogger.
Steve-0 said,
July 13, 2005 at 3:55 pm
Pay no attention to the hippopotomus in the living room!
Look people, hopefully if you’re married to a person, you’re relationship is such that you CAN talk about stuff like this or ANYTHING ELSE for that matter without either of you freaking out. No one would have been the least bit offended if the genders were switched about in that post.
Honestly, how many women would not have qualms about telling their husbands they’re getting a little chunky? Or telling them that they smell bad or need to not wear that tie w/ that shirt? Or pretty much anything of a personal nature? And I think that’s a good thing.
As doctor Phil might say, “It does no good to keep your feelings bottled up inside.”
Lara said,
July 13, 2005 at 4:13 pm
The original poster didn’t ask about how to have a conversation with his wife about her health… or even about how to have a conversation about things that bother each other about each other. He said “how to you tell your wife/girlfriend to lose weight?”
I agree that in a marriage you should be able to share anything and talk about these things - absolutely. But that’s not what he seems to be talking about.
Angel said,
July 13, 2005 at 4:18 pm
Ooooh Brandon you rock! I think it’s a perfect response. I had plenty of judgement and criticism growing up, thankfully my husband has always loved me and accepted me for who I am. AND he’s been nothing but supportive when I made the decisions to improve my health.
Lara said,
July 13, 2005 at 4:23 pm
Also.. I would still have been offended if the genders were reversed.
I think facial hair is damn sexy, but I wouldn’t ever *tell* my husband/boyfriend to grow it if he really didn’t want to (or couldn’t). (Then again, I probably wouldn’t be dating someone who didn’t have facial hair… but if he decided after we’d been together for awhile that he didn’t want to have it anymore, I’m not going to pick at him about it).
Frank said,
July 13, 2005 at 5:11 pm
I’m not sure that comment correlates, Laura, because you obviously (from looking at your post) don’t find lack of facial hair unattractive.
Lara said,
July 13, 2005 at 5:59 pm
Hmm… let me think about this….
Perhaps you’re right…. although I do think men are MORE attractive with facial hair, I don’t necessarily think someone is unattractive when they don’t choose to allow it to grow.
What I’m saying is… when you choose to love someone you should be doing just that - choosing to love them. And changes they make in their external appearance (whether intentional or non-intentional) shouldn’t change that, although I do think there is a place for discussing what the other person likes/dislikes in terms of appearance.
If I knew my husband really liked long hair on women, I would probably grow my hair long…. but if he *tells* me I had to, I’m not sure I’d be as anxious to do it.
The more I think about this… the more I realize this is a hard and complex thing. I think we pursue relationships with people that are our “types.” So I’m not ever going to be involved with someone who is only attracted to very slender women. But had I been a slender woman when I met someone and then throughout my maturing process/childbearing years/etc… I became heavier, is it inappropriate for him to expect me to still be the slender woman I was when we met?
I’m really not sure.
But I’m pretty sure telling me to lose weight is never going to work.
Allison said,
July 13, 2005 at 7:00 pm
Hmmm…I actually found I wasn’t as offended as I’d expected to be, more bemused at the “guyness” of the responses. I posted a comment as well, and Lara, I agree with you about “telling your woman what to do.” Trying to “make” anyone do anything is a mistake; the only actions you can, honest-to-god control, are your own.
That said, Brandon, your post to him was just perfect. Thanks.
fuzzit said,
July 13, 2005 at 7:44 pm
I would not be telling my husband “he was getting a little chunky”. I agree that if there is anything to be mentioned it has to do with the health of the person not esthetics.
Brandon said,
July 13, 2005 at 8:46 pm
Let me guess, Steve, you’re not married. Am I right? And, Dr. Phil? C’mon, you couldn’t have wanted to be taken seriously AND quote Dr. Phil in the same comment.
Nicole said,
July 13, 2005 at 11:56 pm
Oh, wow, I’m late weighing in on this. (Pardon the pun.) First of all, I have to say that my husband has never EVER complained about my weight. I was slightly overweight when we met, lost a lot of weight, gained it back. The fact that he seems blind to my weight, it makes me want to be even more attractive for him, work harder to lose weight.
On the other hand, every time my mom mentioned my weight growing up, it just made me want to go eat Oreos. So, Steve, you go ahead and have that conversation based on looks. It’ll psychologically make your significant other feel deplorable, gain more weight, and your lack of love for her will hopefully scare her away from you if she’s bright.
Otherwise, if she sticks around, when you’re bald, middle aged, with browning teeth, you’ll regret for not accepting her how she is.
Now, if it were clear you were actually worried about her health and to share it as an “us” problem instead of a problem with her, then I’d have an entirely different response.
However, it seems clear that you are not willing to take any responsibility of a relationship to support her in an attempt to get healty. *sigh*
Benjamin said,
July 14, 2005 at 1:59 am
I’m a lot less charitable than you Brandon. After reading the “Mr Rogers vs William Wallace” post I’m pretty sure I won’t be returning anytime soon.
At the very least, I’m lumping him into the “Needs to read The Politics Of Jesus” catagory….
Resident Atheist said,
July 14, 2005 at 4:36 am
What bothers me more than any of the specific body issues is the implicit sense of entitlement: I deserve to be with someone who looks a certain way, and I deserve to have my significant other tailor her behavior in such a way that it meshes with my desires. If such a couple has a deep, open and respectful conversation and together decides that the woman (better yet, both the man and the woman) will to try to maintain some kind of level of physical fitness and attention to appearance, that’s fine; they both know what they’re getting into. It’s another thing entirely for me to decide, without consulting my partner, that she ought to be a certain way when being that way entails a lot of time, energy and effort on her part. Her agreement isn’t automatic when I decide things in my head like that, and communicating my desires will likely involve some kind of coercion. This isn’t just unhealthy, it’s childish.
Lara said,
July 14, 2005 at 2:38 pm
RA - I think it’s similar to the idea that if you’re a virgin you “deserve” to marry someone who is one, too. A line of thinking that has always confused and confounded me.
the sympathetic vibration said,
July 14, 2005 at 7:10 pm
I’ve got friends in low places.
Here’s the number one lesson I’m learning lately. Don’t try to develop anything more than a casual aquaintance with people that are emotionally (or otherwise) unavailable. Funny part is that I know this is a lesson I’ve learned…
juanito said,
July 15, 2005 at 1:30 am
Hmm.
My wife doesn’t like my dreadlocks, baggy clothes, or whiskers. But she loves me, i love her, and the subject only arises when she reminisces running her fingers through my hair when it was short and untangled.
But why don’t i change, based on her preferences? This question has bothered me for a while. I’m searching for the answer.
Dan said,
September 12, 2005 at 3:24 am
Yes, I believe one can love another no matter what they look like. However, one can’t be sexually attracted to another regardless of appearances. Love and attraction aren’t the same, and I sense many people here naively think so. You should love your partner regardles of what they look like. But, yes, if they go from 150 to 300 pounds, you bet that should have an impact on how you find them attractive. If it doesn’t, you’re an alien. Being trivialy overweight is no big deal, but too many people use “love” as some sort of entitlement for support as they neglect themselves or use food as a drug instead of dealing with their issues. Packing your pie hole with food because you feel bad is weak, misdirected and pathetic. Deal with your baggage instead of eating yourslef into the grave. And for God’s sake, don’t expect your partner to get turned on just the same once you’re obese. A hundred years ago some fat meant that you were prosperous, and I guess in that way it was something to be desired. Times change. Today people also know that the world is no longer flat. Now, with the overabundance of processed foods, and general lack of self discipline and nutritional undestanding, being obese represents any of these: 1. disease, 2. self-neglect 3. ignorance. None of these is sexy. Yes, one can love someone with any of those properties, but being turned on by those is another matter.
Brandon said,
September 12, 2005 at 6:51 am
I don’t buy it, Dan. You’re taking the case to extremes, and speaking in absolutes. Neither of those methods is likely to get you anywhere that allows you to speak definitively on the topic.
You start off talking about love as a separate construct from attraction, then you shift to your line about ’some of these obese people think love is an entitlement.’
See, when you take this case to extremes, it’s easier to point the finger. But, what about the vast majority of people that are a tad overweight but not terribly. Should we apply all the horrible things you say about obese people to them, too.
Because I’m 20 pounds overweight, should I be one of those people who’s terrified of his wife thinking, ‘well, Brandon’s not really entitled to my love…that was just a privilege I gave him for a short time…while he was skinnier…and now, I’m pulling that privilege.’
Or, what if I end up with a disease that makes me obese one day. I can’t do anything about it. I’m 200 pounds overweight. Should my wife just be able to stop loving me because I’m not entitled to her love.
See, Dan, the thing is, I AM entitled to her love. Just like she’s entitled to mine. And, honestly, if you think attraction can be boiled down to the amount of roll you’ve got around your waist, you’re sadly mistaken, and unfortunately shallow. Invariably, all of our attractiveness levels drop off during the course of our lifespan. It’s called aging. But, we find new things to be attracted to in our mates. Things that we might never have noticed otherwise. Yes, even turned on by them.
In your world, where your partner will be hanging around, working out every day to make you happy, hoping and praying that he or she will not ‘lose the love you’re blessing she or he with’, you might just find that gratifying. But, honestly, to me, that seems like a bit of a power game, not a relationship.
Robert said,
September 20, 2005 at 1:16 pm
Hey, fat chicks! Lose some weight! Don’t try to blame men for being attracted to thin girls. I’m not saying Kate Moss thin, but come on. You shouldn’t have a gut, and your arms shouldn’t be bigger than your mans.
Robert said,
September 20, 2005 at 5:40 pm
OK, I admit that was extremely insensitive. I’m sincerely sorry. But I’ve been particularly frustrated today by this exact situation. I love my girlfriend to pieces, but I am finding myself less sexually attracted to her because of her weight. She knows she needs to lose weight, but it never seems to happen. And yesterday I noticed that she got bigger. She was already too big, and she got bigger! Who says she’s too big? I DO! It really saddens me, because I’m a soft-hearted person (really, despite my last heartless comment,) and I see no way to get her to lose, nor do I see this as my responsibility. Now, I really don’t want to hear anybody tell me that I need to accept her for who she is, blah, blah, blah. I love her as a person. But I’m squeamish, and, no offense to those who are overweight, but it can make me cringe. That is just the way that I am. You can live quite healthy lives without makeup, and without taking baths, etc. But these things often make us more attractive. Similarly, weight is a factor in the sexual attractiveness of a person. Sure, there are some plus-size models that can pull it off well, but generally speaking it just doesn’t look good. Excuses are just that: excuses.
Robert said,
September 20, 2005 at 5:53 pm
And that goes for obese men, too. Don’t think I’m just picking on women. I know that losing weight is a very painful thing. But if your fat, you eat too much, period. It’s a very simple equation. If you eat more calories than you burn, you will gain weight. All humans are inherently valuable, and I do mean all. But, among all of the challenges people face, this is one of them. I’ve had an overweight friend since kindergarten, which means I’ve known him for 30 years. He’s always been overweight. And he has NO interest in controlling his food intake. Believe me, I know. I lived with him for a year. He has 4 breakfast tacos for breakfast. That’s excessive. After a full meal at a Chinese restaurant, where we each had a hearty portion of meat and sides, I couldn’t finish the plate, but he polished it off, and then he ordered up a plate of freshly fried wonton, which he completely ate. Oh, BTW, he weighs about 490. But he’s 5′11. I’m 6′0 and 190 lbs. so I’m certainly not a small guy. He and I should eat about the same amount, and he doesn’t.
Brandon said,
September 20, 2005 at 6:00 pm
Robert, you’re a dick.
At least folks who are overweight can go on a diet.
Robert said,
September 20, 2005 at 6:22 pm
Brandon, did I touch a nerve? Actually, I thought I was being quite contrite. Fat stores are from excess food. Can you deny this? Did they just magically pop into existence? You know, I can see a correlation between my overeating and me gaining weight. And do you know what I do? I start exercising and eating right. Look, I’m not trying to inflame this issue (no doubt I’ll get a good cussing after this note, too), but I find the issue too politically correct, and I wanted to see some balance in this topic. Fat people are fat because they eat too much. Period. If stating a fact like this pisses you off, then you are obviously a twit.
erin said,
September 20, 2005 at 6:27 pm
Interesting to me is how standards of beauty (and health) have so often been set by the rich and powerful. Today, in the West, if I can afford to have a personal trainer and buy healthy fresh foods without additives and preservatives that pack on pounds and so stay thin, I’m attractive. Today, if I live in less wealthy parts of the world, I’m attractive if I can afford to buy food at all and am thicker.
Who says that the rich should get to set the standards of attractiveness for me and all the rest of the women on the planet. Thank God for the new Dove ad campaign (OMG, I’m being thankful for advertising) that tells us that we are all lovely in our uniqueness.
Robert said,
September 20, 2005 at 6:30 pm
And what exactly did I say (sans the rude statement that I said out of frustration and profusely apologized for) that gives me the properties of a dick? Stating facts about why people are obese? Stating facts about my friend? Stating facts about my personal concepts of physical aesthetics? If these make one a dick, then I proudly wear the label. At least I’m willing to have a backbone and state a preference. Fuck you, Brandon.
Robert said,
September 20, 2005 at 6:32 pm
Actually, I liked that campaign. I appreciate the beauty in different ethnicities and body styles. But I do not like fat bodies! Average is perfect.
Miranda said,
September 20, 2005 at 7:55 pm
Hey Robert, if you really dislike how your girlfriend is gaining weight, just think of how she probably feels about it. I know when I had a big weight gain I felt like ass shit and my dad commenting on it just drove me to throwing up after I ate. You want her to change? Try adapting a healthy lifestyle yourself and encouraging her to join you. That is the only way you could have any influence over her body without being a complete asshole. I’m giving you the benefit of a doubt because I feel generous today.
Oh, and not all fat people are fat “because they eat too much”. There are a lot of reasons why someone gains weight and lack of discipline/intelligence only represents a small percentage of those reasons.
Brandon said,
September 20, 2005 at 8:11 pm
So, what you’re saying Robert is that when somebody says something offensive, they can’t just give a pat apology and pass it off as their opinion…
hmmm…thanks for helping me make my point.
Robert said,
September 21, 2005 at 9:49 am
Hey, Brandon, we all make mistakes and are all prone toward “passionate” opinions from time to time. From one dick to another, I’m sure you understand that.
Yes, I know my girlfriend feels bad about it. And I’ve already been adopting a healthy lifestyle in my home to help her. There are no bad snacks, I tend toward not having unmonitored serving sizes (like anything homemade), and it’s all low fat. But I still stand by what I said about the causes of being overweight. Please appreciate the point that I’m about to make, and don’t just cop and attitude and think it’s cruel. Have you ever seen a starving fat person? Literally, think back to footage you’ve seen of starving people. Have you ever seen a fat one? I’m not saying that fat people should starve themselves. My point is simply that fat is sustained by overeating. I know certain medicines tend to make people’s appetites increase, like steroids. And I will honestly give anyone who’s fighting a life threatening illness or is pregnant a break. In the first instance they are trying to survive and need energy. In the second instance, nobody would want to malnourish a fetus. Also, I do believe there are differences in metabolism, and certain areas are more difficult to take off that others.
Robert said,
September 21, 2005 at 10:01 am
And I could stand to lose about 10-15 lbs at the moment myself. You know why I have 15 lbs. too much? Because I ate too much and failed to exercise! Sure, my metabolism is faster than some, but not as fast as others. But guess who is responsible for my weight gain? I am! I just want there to be no mistake about why someone is fat. And once again, don’t blame someone else for preferring visually fit people. I’m tired of this nonsense about, “You should just love someone for who they are.” Yeah, I do. But that doesn’t mean I have to love their body. I am truly a compassionate person, but I’m also blunt. I accept responsibility for that first, irresponsible post. But don’t lose my message in the hate for me fomented by my stupid first post.
Robert said,
September 21, 2005 at 10:06 am
Hey, believe me, I’m getting tired of hearing myself talk, too, but let me make ONE exception. I do believe that it is possible in VERY FEW individuals to have fat stores that is unprocessable by dieting and exercise, barring starvation. But these people are truly rare, and far fewer than the number of obese people. I know of one instance of a man who ran marathons, but had chronic fat on his torso. But you know what? He looked pretty good for a fat guy, with toned legs and a strong physique.
Brian said,
November 10, 2005 at 4:11 pm
Hi. My wife was 158lbs when we married 11 years ago. She is now 300lbs. She is so obese she looks awful. She reminds me of “Grimmace” from McDonalds commercials in the 1970s. I have tried and tried nicely over the years to get her to excercise. She does so and then gives up quickly. I am very embarrased to bring her to company functions because everyone talks about her behind her back, and you can tell in the expressions in their faces they are disgusted. I have no idea what to do.
Kent said,
November 10, 2005 at 5:31 pm
Brian,
My wife is over 300 lbs too. GET OVER IT! When you said “I DO” you committed yourself to love her, no matter what.
Despite anything Robert has said here, sexual attraction is IRRELEVANT! Stop lusting after the skinny girls and love your wife. Don’t be so distracted by your fantasies and desires that you come to believe you somehow deserve our cultures’ idea of the perfect sex partner. When you only look to the woman you love, and seek to satisfy her every way you can, you will never be unsatisfied.
Stop feeling embarrassed by her in public, you think she can’t feel that coming from you? Take every opportunity you can in public to show her affection and to let others know how proud you are that she’s your wife. The insensitive, judgemental, louts out there feed off your embarrassment, don’t let them! When you show her affection in public they will come to admire you, because you have something they are completely missing in their shallow, appearance based relationships.
You are committed before God to this woman, love is not a feeling, it’s a choice!
ed said,
November 14, 2005 at 8:26 am
Women like men get comfortable in a relationship so gaining weight is ok. If that relationship ended see how fast one or the other loses weight to get back on the meat market.
Alexis said,
November 20, 2005 at 11:03 pm
Interesting thread of conversation and quite timely. My husband and I had this discussion/argument just last night. I am 6 feet tall and am currently 7 months pregnant. Being a taller woman, I have always struggled with my weight because, well, taller women weigh more. And although (prior to the pregnancy), I maintained a weight of about 160, have always felt the pressure to be smaller. Unfortunately, (and fortunately), I fell in love with and married a man who is five inches shorter than I, but weighs about 20 more pounds due to his muscle mass. This only accentuates the feeling of being “bigger” than your average woman. My husband holds the philosophy that spouses should be completely honest with one another. Therefore, I’ve always been privy to the knowledge that he prefers thinner women and claims that, although he loves me no matter what, when I am thinner, he finds me much more attractive. As a result of this, when I am thinner, he says he feels more compelled to be affectionate, to do the little extras that I like for him to do, to do the things for me that make me happy. It’s like bribery, do for me and I’ll do for you. That’s not my idea of a selfless marriage. My physique should not fuel his desire to make me happy.
I’ve always been very active, play sports and work out 3-4 times a week including cardio and weights. I’ve maintained this even during this pregnancy. I do it to be healthy, but also because I want to be as attractive to my husband as I can. Like most people, there are areas of my body that I don’t like and under normal circumstances, don’t think I would be able to change them. Yes, if I didn’t work full time in a job I love, have a baby on the way to take care of, friendships to maintain, volunteer activites, etc, I could devote 2 hours a day and thin down the thighs and ankles. But I’m not willing to give up what makes me fulfilled to be “the best that I can be physically”, which is what my husband wants. In my mind, as long as I’m being healthy and honest with myself about my physical activities, eating habits, and doing the best I can, my husband should be proud of me and be content with a wife who is of average (well, probably even better than average) and healthy weight.
All that being said, I want to make a few points. First, I agree with Robert on a few things - I know shocking! All people, not just women, should try to take the best care of their bodies as they can. And let’s face it, guys in general are visually stimulated and whether we like it or not and no matter where this cultural pressure comes from, that’s reality. So, women (and men), do your best to be physically attractive to your spouse. On the other hand, don’t ever tell me or hint that you’d like me to lose weight. Don’t make comments like, “You always say you have chunky ankles, but if you worked hard core at it, you could slim them down.” Cause guess what, this makes me want to do just the opposite. You may think it’s just a suggestion, just “being honest” because that’s what you should be able to do in a good relationship, but in reality, you’re just placing an expectation on the person that you say you love. What person that truly loves their partner isn’t going to try to be everything that person wants them to be? And when you start placing expectations on me, I already feel defeated. Because I know I’m not living up to what you want, because I feel like who I am now isn’t good enough. And this isn’t a small request! It’s a lifestyle. It’s a daily commitment to sweaty, exhausting workouts and healthy eating in a society of overconsumption and instant gratification. So when I feel like your ideal is unattainable in a realistic world full of responsibility and temptation, I almost want to stop trying at all. Why work out 3-4 times a week and be physically okay, when you’re not happiest with okay? I might as well make my life easier by working out less and eating more convenient (and often more fattening) food. Besides, the evil side of me kind of wants to spite you because it hurts me when you tell me I’m not good enough.
So my advice to the one who posed the question: It’s up to you. You have a decision to make. If you decide that being with a woman who is physically up to your par is the most important thing in a relationship, then move on before you commit yourself to marriage. You’re not going to do anything but hurt the woman in your life by placing these expectations on her. Please, for her sake, allow her to find someone that’s going to love her wholly with no strings attached. There are women out there that might live up to your physical expectations, but what will you be giving up in terms of her mind, her personality, her talents? And if you’re honest with yourself, are you up to her standards? But if you can learn to focus on what you love about this woman and commit to loving her without hoping to fix her, then do it and don’t complain! You don’t have to pretend that chubby women turn you on. You don’t have to give up the hope that she might come to a point where she wants to tone up. Because you never know, she might. The bottom line is: People lose weight when they’re ready, when they finally make that decision to make a committment to a lifestyle change. You can’t do that for her. So don’t eat away at her feeling of security in this relationship by asking her to make a decision that she’s not ready to make. And instead of using your energy to focus on her faults, why don’t you take that time to look at yourself. Which of her needs are you not meeting? Ask her what you can do for her and just see what she might start doing for you.
Art said,
January 9, 2006 at 1:21 pm
Here’s the problem Alexis (and this is all tied into the psychology aspects of relationships):
It’s really you who is quitting. You may say that you want to spite your husband, or turn to fatty convenient foods, etc. because he tells you what he would like you to look like and that makes you resent him. But you are using that as an escape or an excuse to take “the easy way out”, which is to quit doing what you know, is right.
Let’s face it, if losing weight was as easy as popping a pill, then every woman would have a perfect physique. It’s the fact that it’s “hard” and usually “really hard” that most people fail to meet their goals.
Americans are typically lazy and overindulgent and that’s the simple truth of the matter. If people would put down the donuts and the snacks and get their butts in the gym they would probably be halfway to their goals before they know it. Stop eating Dairy, Sugar, and Fried Foods. Instead eat fruits, vegetables, and lean proteins. Cut down the carbs. Run for an hour every other day at ¾ speed. Never skip a day. Anything you add on top of this will just get you to your goals faster.
My brother lost 60 pounds in 3 months through diet and simple exercise, and trust me if he can do it anyone can do it. It only takes 45-60 minutes every other day, and anyone who says they don’t have time is just fooling themselves.
People will make all kinds of excuses why they can’t change the way they are or stop their bad habits, but its all just denial.
There is no way that any woman should be over 170 pounds, it’s just a vulgar display of laziness and shows complete lack of respect for their partner. The same goes for any man over 240 pounds. If you are over these weights you are simply lazy or eat the wrong foods.
All of this “unconditional love” and “you have to love them no matter how much they are destroying themselves both internally and publicly” is just pathetic coddling that is not helping the person and is just running and hiding from the truth.
No one is asking anyone to get blood from a rock or save the world here. This is simple self control and hardwork which are GOOD TRAITS TO HAVE.
Anyone can have the body they want, they just have to be willing to work hard and love themselves and their partner enough to achieve it.
Brandon said,
January 9, 2006 at 1:51 pm
I started replying to this…but then I realized that everyone here sees through this crap. Then, I realized that I needn’t waste my time or keystrokes making a reply.
Macgrath said,
January 19, 2006 at 9:55 pm
Obesity is simply the accumulation of excess body fat. It is much more than that, however. Obesity is a chronic (long-term) disease that is very difficult to treat. As such, it requires long-term treatment to lose weight and keep it off. There is no overnight solution—effective, permanent weight loss takes some time.
The essential factors in losing weight and keeping it off are motivation, proper eating and exercise habits, and an appreciation of better health. Losing weight will help you feel better. It also will improve your health.
Hopeful Skeptic said,
February 14, 2006 at 2:36 pm
I was looking around the Internet and found this blog about loosing weight. You know folks weight and relationships is a really complex issue. There are a lot of angles to this argument, and I’d just like to take a moment to make a few points about it.
First of all, if you are the kind of person that isn’t concerned about the looks of your spouse, you more than likely married someone that wasn’t that skinny to start with. But there are those people who are more attracted to someone who is physically fit.
If part of your initial attraction to someone is the shape of his or her body then you should just be honest about it and own up to it. That is part of what you are looking for in the person you are attracted to. So what happens if you get married and two years later your significant other puts on forty pounds?
You can get really angry when thinking about this sort of thing, but we all find different things attractive. For you to blast away at someone because he or she doesn’t agree with you about what is attractive, doesn’t make you right. You should take a step back and ask yourself why you are getting so angry in the about this in the first place. When you get really upset like that there is usually a personal reason for it and it has very little about the other person’s opinion.
IMHO, a lot of weight gain usually occurs for a compensatory reason. There could be health issues. It could be a sign of loneliness or depression. You see the same thing when someone spending habits are out of control. The point being, if a person starts out healthy and gains a lot of weight, you need to take a deeper look and find out why.
Personally, I am more attracted to someone who is fit. If it doesn’t matter to you, great. Good for you. I keep myself in good shape and I want my spouse to do the same. It prolongs life and in your later years your quality of life is much better.
BTW, my spouse went through this. My spouse gained sixty pounds at one point. As the pounds kept coming sleeping became a problem as sleep-apnea set it. My spouse’s health became more of an issue when adult on-set diabetes entered the picture also.
Our sex life was also affected because my spouse just didn’t have the healthy sex drive.
You can try and take the moral high ground here by expounding on how you should love and appreciate someone for what he or she is, but it plainly isn’t that simple.
jay said,
March 17, 2006 at 2:52 pm
Brandon, I have to take personal issue with your comments to other posters. You obviously have your own opinions about who and what is attractive–if you think a wife who is of behemoth rotundity is attractive–great! If a guy thinks his wife would look better minus a hundred pounds, that’s his opinion. To call someone an ‘asshole’ or ‘dick’ because they voiced THEIR opinions on here is fairly ridiculous. Who are you? And, for you to just assume everyone else here can “see through the bullshit” just shows you have no real argument. God, I hate it when people dismiss others because they don’t view it the same way. It is the most insidious form of bigotry and bias.
Clark said,
March 24, 2006 at 5:25 pm
Well, After reading the whole post,
I would like to lend my support to Robert and Jay, right on. You cant fault a person for being attracted to what they are attracted to fat, skinny, tall, short whatever, its up to you. The post started with a person who obviously cares and is simply growing uncomfortable by his parters appearance, this is not wrong. In the situation where you get involved with a person and they end up physically changing from what you were attracted to then it is understandable you have a concern.
I have the same one and am trying to figure out how to address it b/c I do care a lot about her but she is physaically different than what she was 5 yrs ago and what I am attracted to. Its not the “3x” the size situation but 25lbs on a small body is a LOT to me and is not somthing I would look for if I were finding a girl today or 5 yrs ago. Still not sure what i’ll do though,
Kitty Boo said,
March 25, 2006 at 2:08 pm
^^^^ Still not sure what you’ll do? If you love them, you stay. If you love them, you encourage them out of health and not looks.
Attraction goes beyond looks. While physical appearance may be the first attraction, as you get to know a person, personality, character, and chemistry all follow suite. I think the questioner in the original post had forgotten that. Unfortunely, and I can sooooo vouch for this, there is way too much pressure pushed on women today when it comes to weight. Even being at a healthy, fit weight is not enough, the norm is to be about 10-20 lbs underweight. This status quo is not healthy and not normal. You don’t know who is looking at their s.o. through those lenses. You don’t know who needs to change their image of what a woman (or man) should look like.
And, still, if these spouses have drifted into unhealthy weight-gain territory, they have their personality and character. I don’t know why their relationship with their husbands should be threatened if it is truly a solid relationship.
Tommy said,
April 5, 2006 at 1:12 am
I’ve read through this, and here’s my 2 cents.
First off, I didn’t see where Anthony was making a big deal out of beauty,
so why does Brandon go off with all this “warped sense of beauty” stuff directed at Anthony?
In fact, Anthony never used the word beauty or anything close. He never stated an opinion one way or the other, he only asked a question. People just read into it what ever they wanted.
Brandon then states in a later post on Anthony’s site:
“Because, to employ a cliche, after all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder”.
Well, if that’s the case no one can say that anyone else has a “warped” sense of beauty since it is an entirely a subjective matter. Nice job, Brandon. You just flushed your own arguement down the toilet.
As far as the weight thing, it is not weight but body composition that’s at issue. If you “got” fat, then why did it happen? Barring medical problems, probably too much food, too little activity.
But even if you have a medical reason for gaining fat, any decent doctor would tell you that you still need to eat right and exercise.
Eating right and exercising, or taking care of your body, is a matter of personal choice that involves disipline and responsibility. You know, the kind of stuff that we teach little kids. But if you don’t want to maintain yourself, that’s fine. You’re an adult. Just remember that it’s your personal choice, and it says alot about you.
And if you insist that your spouse or significant other accepts you along with the results of your personal choices in an unconditional manner, remember that it is a two way street. If your spouse/significant other wants to take up drinking, drugs, or dating others to make them happy (since eating excess food, being lazy, and making excuses apparently makes you happy), they have every right to expect you to accept it, for these are “their” personal choices.
Think about it.
Richard Simmons said,
May 28, 2006 at 11:39 pm
Well I did a search in google to find out exactly what I’m reading.
I just started dating someone who has 3 kids and is a good bit overweight. Maybe 60 pounds? Im VERY attracted to thin women (btw, um, last I checked women aren’t looking at fat men with big eyes so you women saying “don’t be so caught up in a person’s appearance” need to get real) but she is so amazing in so many other ways.
The weight and drooping breasts didnt bother me at first but now Im just looking at all of the other women at the nearby pool thinking wtf am I doing? I brought it up and just like everyone here said, she basically closed her legs quicker than I could blink. That was ok though, because by this time I didnt want what was hiding between them anyways.
Truth is, I feel shitty about how I feel, but alas, its how im wired. I cant pretend to be attracted to somebody who doesnt give a shit about how she looks. I order a steak and salad, she orders pizza, breadsticks, and dessert. It comes from having kids because basically thats what they eat and being a nurse, doesnt help her. The women where she works basically sit at the nurses station all night and graze like cattle while also collecting healthy bunches of varicose veins. Mmmm that in a teddy sounds great!!
Its funny to hear about how their husbands dont pay attention to them sexually in between bites of pizza and chocolate cake. Give me a friggin break.
All of the women on this board please get real with yourself. Your telling me that your going to go to bed and bounce on your 400 pound polar bear of a husband and like it? Your not kidding anyone with any part of a brain.
And Brandon, come out of the closet already.
rich said,
July 17, 2006 at 9:15 pm
Okay - sorry but i agree with Dan posting some year ago..Love and attractiveness are 2 seperate things..I know it because I live it..my wife is over 100 pounds now..never was thin and I accepted it and loved her but now its gotten out of control, but I love her no less but just not attracted anymore..Im sorry but my own wife never finds FAT men attractive..nevertheless, Ive yet to meet fat people who actually find other FAT people attractive…if you ask anyone, including thin or not thin, what their IDEAL person looks like, not how they are - once again a different issue at hand - that person would NOT be fat..guaranteed…Im not naive..its just plainly the truth…When it comes to the mental part of a relationship on my end, that part is unquestionable..we get along very good, but what is so wrong wanting to find your wife or husband attractive..is it so wrong to want to be attractive to them, is it so wrong not to be attracted to FAT people..I dont think so..Im not talking about a 20 pound overweight person..when a person gains over 100 pounds, then you also change..if add you subtract from someplace else..Im sorry but most people who think that the original poster is naive..NO WAY..love and attractiveness are two different things…
Its like the saying goes, Id rather be poor and happy than rich and miserable,…well - id rather be rich and happy than poor and happy, or Id rather be rich and miserable than poor and miserable..get my hint..Id love to have LOVE AND ATTRACTIVENESS..you cant deny these instincts - what some call MALE instincts..but its BS - everyone -even fat people love attractive slim people..that doesnt equate to love…no way..but love doesnt equate to attractiveness in a physical sense either..
I agree with the above poster…
chris said,
July 19, 2006 at 11:23 pm
I agree with Robert. He’s just telling it the way it is. Why get upset people? MINUS the candy bars, sodas, chips, cookies, PLUS getting off the couch = a decent looking chick. You can’t go wrong.
Sad said,
November 27, 2006 at 1:30 am
I found this post while searching for an answer to a question that, it seems, is very common. I love my girlfriend. I admire her, cherish her, respect her. She is the greatest thing that ever happened to me, the greatest part of my life, my best friend. And she loves me more than I’ve ever been loved. I’ve never had someone shudder with the feeling of my hand on her back, or purr when my arms wrap around her. Her eyes light up each time I look at her.
But she’s a bit overweight, and it’s eating me up inside. Our sex life is not what it should be, and it is I who gets the headache! I want to spend the rest of my life with this person, yet I fear the next ten years, when cottage-cheese builds, and I won’t even be able to get excited at the sight of my lover’s naked body.
If that makes me a pig, a jerk, any explitive you want, then so be it. That’s *reality.*
And BTW, I work out 10-12 hours per week. I have a six-pack. My resting heart rate is 48 bpm. Being healthy — and toned — is a central part of my life.
So what I’ve gotten from this post is to give up. To break this girl’s heart, to break my own too, for one stupid little thing called attraction, sex appeal. And that makes me sad.
jack said,
June 16, 2007 at 9:29 pm
In general, genetic disabilities and depressions aside, being overwieght (even 20 pounds overweight) equates to one thing: lack of self-discipline
Furthermore, in a relationship, maintaining a sexually attractive body as percieved by your partner is probably the most curteous, loving, and healthiest choice.
If you like it when your husband gives you foot massages or lets you choose what movies to watch, then maybe you could go out of your way to hop on a treadmill. (if that is what he wants and I’d estimate 80% do)
For all those fat people out there:
By living a healthy and fit lifestyle, not only do you exude more confidence in your physical appearance, but you can become empowered by a proven form of discipline. You should make an effort to stay in shape whether you do it for yourself, your partner, or both.